I know this post is out of sequence. I can't always wait to get caught up to share the feelings in my heart. Since they are particularly raw tonight I thought I would write them down before the time is gone and life rushes on and these feelings are long forgotten.
This is the time of year when my emotions are so close to the surface I feel like tears are constantly leaking out of my eyes. There are so many things going on physically and spiritually that I turn into a blubber bucket. Eden got baptized yesterday. Just thinking about it makes me weepy. She was so happy and beautiful. I've never seen her look so radiant before. She was smiling from ear to ear and giggling. She filled the room and all of our hearts with light. As Ryan blessed her with the gift of the Holy Ghost he mentioned our little Lilian and how Eden's birth healed a hole in our aching hearts. She brought new life and light into our lives at a time when we were so low.
I've been feeling particularly low lately. The holidays always overwhelm me. Despite all of my best intentions I can never get into the true spirit of Christmas. I never seem to be able to let go of the lists and the errands and the need to do's to have time to ponder and appreciate all that this time of year means. But for some blessed reason I was able to shut it out long enough yesterday to enjoy the moment and feel the Spirit and bask in Eden's glow and remember what is most important to me which is my children.
They are growing up. The days fly by filled with more moments of chaos than tenderness. I often go to bed wondering if I'm doing any good and if I am ever going to come through all of this with some sanity left. And then every slim once in a while there is a beautiful moment that impresses itself upon my soul and I think, maybe it will all work out right. Yesterday Cameron played the piano beautifully and Dallin conducted. Ryan baptized Eden and then Dallin gave an wonderful talk on the Holy Ghost. I felt so proud of my children and their testimonies. Even now as I'm typing this Austin just interrupted me (although he's supposed to be in bed) because he wanted me to write down his testimony for next fast Sunday. This is what he just had me write down,
One day last Sunday (tonight) when I was in my bed the wind was blowing and I got scared about it and I went to my brother's room and asked him what to do. He didn't say anything and told me to go to bed. So I said a prayer to Jesus. I said, "Heavenly Father, I thank you for this day. Help me to find a way that I won't be scared of the wind." I said, "please answer fast because I'm really scared" and then I thought of a way by putting a giant pillow over my head so I wouldn't hear it. It (the idea) just popped into my head.
He was excited and smiling and jumping up and down while I wrote it all down. I asked him how it felt to have Heavenly Father hear and answer his prayer and he said it felt really good. Then he ran off to go to bed and I sat here staring at what I had just written and I'm thinking, see what I mean? I have beauty and chaos going on all around me and my poor soul doesn't know what to make of it all. But here's what I think. As hard as it is to be a parent, for example, Ryan just got on a plane to Texas, the kids reminded me I have to drive carpool tomorrow, we have something going on every single night this week and multiple school Christmas activities during the day, Evelyn is talking in bed when it's an hour past her bedtime, and there is some crazy windstorm going on outside. So, as much as these things have me stretched to my limits, Austin just reminded me of the greatest gift I have as a parent. That is a Heavenly Father who is working by my side to help my children with all the things I can't do for them. And because they know He's there for them and hears and answers their prayers I am comforted to know they will always follow Him. I can see how this process has grown with my children from Dallin who serves others with the Priesthood, to Cameron who fasts for others, to Eden who was so happy to be baptized and receive the gift of the Holy Ghost, to Austin who knows he can pray when he's scared, and finally even to little Evelyn who loves to sing Jesus wants me for a sun Beam! It's all part of God's plan for how we raise our children and somehow, despite the chaos of my life, it's working. I'm grateful for the beautiful, precious moments in life that make the chaos all worth it. And I'm grateful for a little less quiet Sunday evening to ponder it all.
