Smoke alarms at 4 am

Why is it that smoke detector batteries always decide to die at 4:00 am? And why is it that we learn lessons so clearly when we're awake in the middle of the night changing the smoke alarm battery?

So, this is what I learned about myself this morning. It actually began yesterday when I opened the new issue of the Ensign and read the First Presidency message by President Monson. He talked about "Remembering the Past", "Living in the Present", and "Preparing for the Future". The point that stood out to me was "Living in the present". I realized that for the past few months I have been waiting, not so patiently, for this period of my life to be over. I've been waiting for warmer weather, waiting for Ryan to graduate, waiting for my kids to get healthy, waiting and looking for better days because these days seem to be so difficult. I realized I'm not really enjoying anything about my life right now and I've become very crabby and withdrawn. I'm trying to hide away until the future comes and everything gets better. I now saw so clearly what my problem was but I had no idea what to do about it. I felt like something important was missing from my day to day activities but I was at a loss for what it might be.

So, here's what happened. We took the young women to the General Young Women Broadcast last night. Over and over again I heard examples of people who found strength and answers through prayer. It slowly began to dawn on me what I needed, I needed to pray. But I used to be so good at praying and I was shocked at myself. How had I drifted so far away from my Father in Heaven?

Well, my epiphany came at 4 o'clock this morning. I realized as I wandered through the dark house that there has been a little voice in my head whispering that I don't need to bother Heavenly Father with these little trials in my daily life. I needed to buck up and learn how to deal with things on my own. Then my life has seemed to be so conveniently busy that I haven't had time to pray. I would say to myself, "I'll take that issue to the Lord in just a minute." But that minute would never come and I was finding myself struggling to deal with everything on my own. But even then the whisperings continued. "Lay your problems on someone else's shoulders, they can help you, they're right here. But don't lay down too much because, you know, they have their own problems."

I arrived at church this morning and the opening song was, "Did you think to pray?" Was the Lord trying to tell me something?

So, today I've made a new commitment to make the Lord a part of my daily life, little problems included. I have a goal to pray everyday.

I finally did it!

My goal in January was to start a blog and join the rest of the world in using the internet to record my thoughts and feelings. Scary. That's probably why I waited so long. There's that overwhelming feeling that I've just thrown myself out there for the whole world to see.

My hope, though, is that I might actually begin to record some of the wonderful things that happen in my life that I would really like to remember. I have four beautiful children who deserve to be honored and remembered for the joys they bless me with each day. Unfortunately I'm also in my thirtees and can't seem to remember what happened yesterday let alone the sweet things my kids do and say.

I also believe that getting things out is better than keeping them in. I used to keep and journal and could look back on things I said and choices I made and see changes I would like to make. Basically, realize what an idiot I was and cut it out. Maybe this will help me see more clearly why I struggle with the things I do.

I'm far from perfect, especially at being a mother. But I love my kids and want them to know that they're always in my thoughts and heart like a warm hug all day long. Nothing made me feel better as a child than a hug from my mom. It made all the anxieties, worries, and embarrassments disappear, just being wrapped in her arms. I want to be that hug for my kids and I want to remember why I love them so much. So this is for them, and for me.